Journal 6/11/18
Sometimes I just need to know that someone is listening. Even if it is just future me....so I write.
The last month has been really hard for me. With the end of this school year came some changes I was not expecting: One of our principals resigned, Michelle's contract was not renewed…. Again (through absolutely no fault of her own AT ALL), Michelle tells me she is starting to look for jobs in the Cleveland area….Grandpa Hall's health is declining.
Well, let's back up a bit and talk about the "becauses".
Because of some stupid decisions made by some people, we didn't have as much money as we were anticipating and have had to do several rounds of lay-offs over the last 18 months. The last round of layoffs involved Michelle not getting her contract renewed. When she sat down with them and they told her the news, they let her know that it was NOT her fault, it was simply a budget issue. She is licensed currently PK-3 General Education AND SpEd. The administrators were needing more K-12 licensed intervention specialists, and because Michelle was the only IS in the building who was not certified K-12, she ended up having to be eliminated. They all wrote her letters of reference.
Because of not getting renewed, Michelle now needs to look for another job. After she finally called me after her meeting to tell me the news, she also informed me that she would be looking for positions closer to Cleveland. She has a gentleman friend (who I approve of most highly) that she has been friends with for 15 years. They are taking things SLOW, but things seem to be ever so slightly moving out of the friend zone. 😊 She also has a friend from college who lives with her husband in eastern Ohio and Michelle loves them! Amanda (her college friend) and Jake (Amanda's amazing husband) have been such good friends and confidants for Michelle as she has dealt with various ups and downs of life. I am excited for the positive prospects Michelle is facing.
Because she may be getting a new job outside of NW Ohio, she will likely be moving before the summer is over. That means, for the first time EVER, I'll likely be moving into an apartment by myself. While the idea of living alone is somewhat foreign to me (I've never lived by myself before), I'm excited for the prospect of being in charge of….myself. For most of the last 12 years, I've lived with Michelle. It will definitely be a new experience.
Now, with that settled, I can continue with my explanation about life for me at the moment:
When my friends (specifically those outside of the world of education) have asked me what I'll be doing this summer, my answers have had to change. If you had asked me that in the beginning of May, I'd have told you that I'll be at Girls Camp in the end of June, my sister's wedding in the end of August, and probably traveling between those major activities.
Because of the "becauses" listed above, my entire summer is up in the air. I don't know what the next 8-12 weeks have in store for me.
AND to add another layer to this cake known as life…. My grandpa Hall's health has been declining for some time now. He recently contracted C.Diff and is not eating on his own. It sounds as if he most likely will not make it through the summer. We may be lucky if he makes it to his 93rd birthday on June 30th. With this unknown event likely to occur, I will most likely be making a semi-unpleasant trip to Utah for a funeral and memorial service.
I'll be taking my mom to the airport of Wednesday so she can fly out to be with her family. I think it has been hard for her to be living so far from her family in Utah and feeling as if she can't do much to help her aging parents.
When my dad was updating me on grandpa's condition yesterday, he recalled a story that happened when I was under 1 year old. We were living in California at the time and had received a call that Grandpa Hall had had a heart attack. My mom and dad jumped in the car with me and a car full of dirty laundry (they hadn't had time to do the laundry before we had to leave to beat a winter storm that hit and followed us from California. My dad says that they were closing the interstate behind us as we drove from California to Utah. When my mom walked into the hospital room, grandpa saw her and his heart began beating at a more regular pace. After retelling that story to me, he said that it wouldn't surprise him if grandpa saw mom come into the room when she gets there on Wednesday, realize that all of his children are now in Utah, and pass away. [insert sobbing face here]
While I'm not ready to say goodbye yet, I know that he has been suffering for quite some time now with different ailments, some longer than others. He is diabetic, has depression, likely has PTSD as well from the war, and was diagnosed with bladder cancer long before I was born and lived with an urostomy bag for as long as I can remember. (It's a super awkward thing when you ask mom what company name was on the box grandma sent your birthday present in and she tells you that it's the company that provides grandpa's "pee bags"…) He mostly likely has a form of dementia as well. The combination of these ailments has certainly taken their toll on him, as well as my grandmother who has been caring for him at home this whole time (except for times when he has been hospitalized). Recently (I don't know how recently), one of my uncles has been living with them and has helped to care for both of them. Various family members have also come over on occasion to help relieve some of the responsibility from grandma, who is only a few years younger than grandpa).
So, I know that life isn't all about me…..but I'm the only person I can control.
Having such a great span of time when I don't know what is going to be happening is not comfortable for me. I like to know what's going on, when I need to be where and what I need to be doing. Right now, so much is up in the air that I just have to remind myself that the Lord is in control. He has a plan for me, even if I don't see it at this moment.
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